Assigment 3
The boy across the street
A girl named Mia lives in Brooklyn. Mia lives with her dad and her five sisters. Mia's dad has promised that when one of the girls turns fifteen they can visit the other side of the city alone. Mia has waited her turn so long and finally the time has come.
Mia is finally fifteen and she´s so ready to go explore the New York city. Mia takes the subway and then she finds herself alone in New York city. Mia can't believe what she is seeing. Big screens everywhere and every clothing store you could ever imagine. Mia walks around the big city alone and is feeling so happy inside. Then Mia saw a boy across the street and she fell in love with him at first sight. Mia took closer look at him and noticed that he was famous hockey player named Jackson.
Jackson is coming towards Mia but then car hits him and he fells straight to the ground. Mia runs fast beside the car and sees unconscious Jackson. Mia carries Jackson to the bench near by but then Mia´s dad calls and says that she has to be home right now. Mia takes one look at Jackson whose eyes are starting to open and then leaves. Jackson wakes up and wonders what had happened and who was the girl who helped him.
Days go by and Mia is still thinking about Jackson and she seems a little upset. Mia runs away from home and finds herself alone in New York city again. Out of nowhere Jackson sees Mia wandering in the streets and yells: "You! Girl with red hair stop!". Mia turns her head and sees Jackson whose looking so handsome. Jackson runs towards Mia and says that he can't thank her enough for helping him. Jackson invites Mia to his house. Mia and Jackson spends a lot of time together and Mia feels like she wants Jackson to be her boyfriend.
Jackson's parents think that Mia is not classy girl like Sara who has also spend a lot of time with Jackson. Jackson's parents told to Mia that she can't hang out with him anymore. Mia's heart breaks. Mia sees that Jackson and Sara is at Jackson's house and they seem very happy together. Mia goes to home crying but she still feels inside that she had done the right thing.
It was a modern day fairytale but it was easy enough to recognize the original fairytale behind the renewed text. I could recognize the fairytale from some details hidden in the text, for example the protagonist was described as red-haired and rebellious.
VastaaPoistaLanguage is good, some spelling mistakes but it doesn't disrupt reading and getting the hang of the plot. The structure is coherent as well. The surroundings could have been more described. I liked reading this text.
good things about the text:
- paragraphs
- the plot and the way you renewed the fairytale in to a modern one
- the story advances smoothly
things that could be improved in the text:
- starting the sentence with something else than the protagonist's name.
I think you had based your story on Ariel The Little Mermaid. :3